Riding the Parenting Wave

Maybe I should have titled my blog Waves of Parenting because I am surely surfing these waves and recently have crashed hard. I have lost my board and am desperately treading water as I search for it. 

I have a 5 years old daughter and 3 years old son. My daughter has increased her rejection of me; at least that is how it feels. Right now this rejection feels catastrophic. My husband and I went away for a week, which was great for our relationship, but not great for my relationship with my daughter. I realized today that my absence exacerbated a growing problem: the lack of fun time with my daughter. She is in full-day kindergarten. She gets home and playtime is limited due to after school activities (which are just two days a week), homework, bath, early bed. You get the picture.  The knife in the heart is when she has the choice between me and the babysitter. She chooses the babysitter. I suppose I would too because time with her is more fun. I cannot say I have taken this choice well. In fact, I just spent about ten minutes in my office crying like a baby. I feel quite confused because I aimed to hire a babysitter that my kids would love. I have succeeded! Recently, my data collection for my dissertation forced me to travel a lot within January and then this trip with husband took us away for a week. This took me away from my daughter more than she is used to. I worked hard for her to be comfortable with my going away because I new such traveling would occur. I thought things were okay, but I was sorely wrong. 

My relationship with my daughter is broken and I want it repaired now. I know time and love will bring us back together (and maybe less time with the sitter), but it is hard to wait. I am angry at myself, but what else was I to do. I am trying to accomplish this goal of a doctorate while staying close to my kids. What I think I have done is physically stay close, but since kindergarten started and the schedule got more demanding I lost my playfulness. The surfing with the kids became burdensome rather than adventurous. I stopped laughing at our blips; instead, I became impatient. I became a manager of children rather a playful companion. I lost the balance between these extremes and my relationship with my children is jeopardized. My daughter has become less compliant, screams at her brother, ignores my requests, and is simply rude to me. Well, she is likely angry with me or feeling hurt by me.  My eyes are watering as I write this because I pride myself on having a clear parenting philosophy, which I couldn't even describe now if someone asked. It's as if I have forgotten everything I know.

So today I began a 6 session course, Siblings without Rivalry, provided by my son’s nursery school. For the most part my kids get along, but about 10% of the time they are arguing over toys.  Again, I learned how I have lost my way in my parenting journey. I know, give myself a break; everyone loses her way at some time or another. I am trying to forgive myself for my mistakes. One of my biggest mistakes is not genuinely listening to my daughter. She had given me so many signs that I was not being present or mindful when talking with her. Of course she is rejecting me. My moods are not consistent. My attempt to solve any issue with her and her brother just sounds like I am telling her what to do. I need to acknowledge her feelings. I need to acknowledge her desires to feel more in control of her life. Starting school, while she enjoys it, has taken a lot from her. I hadn't realized this.  I realized today that there are other moms who feel like this too. I knew this, but one has to hear it to feel it.

 I feel so wobbly on my surfboard these days. Where did my joy and confidence go? Some wave smacked it out of me and it is time to take it back one foot at a time, one wave at a time.

Music: The Great Stabilizer

My son, Edward, just loves to dance and sing. It has become my "go-to" for getting him out of his grumpy mood, which seems like every second of the day. Granted he has recently said good bye to
the pacifier and is now in a toddler bed. He constantly argues with me by making grunting noises instead of answering "yes" or "no" even though he is quite articulate. This list of power struggles goes on and on. I soon find myself frustrated and about to have an adult tantrum. I know the 3s are more terrible than the 2s, and he is asserting his independence while testing boundaries.  However, this does not change the fact that I feel helpless when it comes to interacting with my son.  This cute, sweet little boy cannot be pleased and does not want to cooperate. I continue to try everything in my parenting toolbox. And let me tell you, the toolbox is pretty filled.

This morning I had a realization. Edward is into Jake and the Neverland Pirates. With a DVD he received as a Christmas gift from Grammie came a 15 minute CD of songs from the show. He loved it. Like his Thomas the Train CD, he wanted to hear it over and over again. If I heard it one more time, I think I was going to turn into a mommy pirate, but I bet my kids would say I was already like that most mornings:). Well, this morning as I waited for the naked boy to choose to get dressed (I am trying the waiting method), I find another Jake CD on Itunes  Immediately, Edward stands in front of the TV b/c that seems to be his dancing spot, probably because of the iTunes visualizer, and starts jumping and groovin' like he is at a Phish concert. The song was "Rattle Ye Bones" and he started doing this movement with his arms out and elbows bent (see video below). I laughed and smiled. While it was only momentary, I saw the boy I adored. I remember a stranger commenting on Thalia, my older daughter, singing as a toddler. He said, " a singing child is a happy child." I am glad Edward finds joy in music and that we can find peace in our relationship through melodies. Although, he does not always want me to sing. I guess he has to assert himself somehow. I think when I feel like walking the blank, I will play music instead.

My new mantra is: Breathe and play music!"

Follow-Up: Had to turn off music to get Thalia to school. Edward went berserk! Note to self--don't play new CD ten minutes before leaving the house. My blind fold is on and I am at the end of the blank. Jump? Nah, laugh, dance and sing! If children can find joy in melodies, then I can find joy in the cacophony of  toddler-hood. "Arg, mateys! Play the music!"

The Screaming Attribute

If only screaming were done in our home, I don't think I would hav such an issue. My son screams for multiple reasons ranging from excitement to agitation. He now, at 2.3 months old, informs us that he is screaming: "I screaming" he says after the fact. I of course ask why and provide several coves for answers but the s a bit beyond his developmental level. Nonetheless, it makes me feel better than screaming back, which on occasion happens.

It is this screaming attribute that has led us to take the auto train to Florida instead of flying. The best decision ever! While screaming does happen, we are not stuck in seats close to the ears of others. We can go back to our room and occupy "the screamer" with many distractions. We can walk around, get dinner, etc. I am relaxed, which of course lessens the chance of screaming: it seems my son expresses my agitation. While the auto train prolongs travel, it is a pleasant experience. In fact, I am writing this as I rub my son's back while he falls back to sleep. I guess what I am saying is: you are not alone if you have a Screamer. You can travel; it just takes some creative manipulation. For example, I bring tons of toys and lolipops when we go out to dinner ( which is rare). Sometimes I don't have to pull out the lolipops. Minimal screaming, which equates to one low to high pitch scream, is a successful dinner. We try to find loud places so background noise muffles the scream.

It is quite amazing how much the scream attribute affects my life, my family's life. I suppose some of this can be chalked up to my stress, a vibe I too often give off. So one might then argue the scream attribute is just an over sensitivity to the stress vibe. Hmmm...

Fine Line: Reflection vs Self-Criticism

A good friend of mine, who is an early childhood/education expert and whose opinion I regard highly, cautioned that I make sure to not confuse reflective parenting with self-critique. She has made an important point. How does one do this when there seems to be a fine line separating the two?

First, I wonder why there is a fine line. As most of my understanding about parenting comes from my work as a teacher, I once again turn to this knowledge for guidance. I think this fine line is due to the intense closeness or intimacy in the parent-child relationship. It is hard to be reflective without self-criticism. This is difficult for many teachers even though their relationships with students are not usually as close/intimate as the parent and child. Nonetheless, the literature reveals that students' performance and development affects teachers' identity on both a professional and personal level. As teachers, we care about our students on many levels and so we become concerned with our ability to support their well-being (academically, socially and emotionally). Many teachers struggle with balancing this fine line between reflective practice and self-criticism. Too often, this leads to a teacher leaving the profession. I continue to argue that supervisors/administrators must become more aware of the teachers who struggle with this balance; otherwise very competent teachers will continue to leave our profession. Many teachers' personal identity is intertwined with their profession. Well, parenting is no different. In fact, it takes this experience to the highest degree. And while some parents may give up this role, most do not and do not see leaving as an option. This makes support for parents a necessity, but too many of us feel alone battling our struggle between "doing good by our kids" and "hating ourselves for screwing up."

Recently, I visited a friend of mine who has two boys the same age as my two children. Her son who has recently turned four is still wearing a pull-up diaper during the day. Her child says he will be ready to use the toilet when he is five. She has done everything one could think of, but blames herself for "missing her window." She is in the unfortunate position of having to accept that she is in a power struggle with her son about using the toilet. All the advice she has received is to stop pushing the issue because he will come around. Of course this is easier said than done. All moms have experienced a power struggle with their child at some point in time. My friend, who cares deeply for her children, cannot find the line between reflecting on her experience in order to move forward and criticizing herself ("beating herself up"), which keeps her spinning in place. Her frustration affects her parenting. It affects how she views herself; it is virtually impossible to separate being a parent from the self.

I did not know what to say to her, so I just listened and watched as she portrayed an agony about this situation. She, as many of us, continues to realize she has to adapt to her child, especially when forcing the child to adapt to you has backfired. Now when one is able to engage in reflective parenting this act of adapting and finding productive ways to encourage/support your child's adaptation to you and the world becomes easier. NOT easy, but easier. Partly because you have found that balance, can be present in the situation, and do not feel guilty/bad for every action.

As suggested in my previous post, Messy Mothering, remaining in this state of balance is virtually impossible for me and for my friend. I suppose our neurotic nature may make this balance more difficult. Our teetering between reflection and self-criticism has likely been a struggle prior to having children. I know it has for me. So this relearning how to have a relationship with your child when both identities are tied so closely to each other's actions is complicated. How do we sing together so that our melodies make sense to us, are pleasant to our ears? As the adult, it becomes my moral responsibility to accept my child's tune and help her accept mine. Together we can create beautiful music. We do so often. It is these sounds that bring joy and the hope that tomorrow and beyond we are doing great by our children.

Maybe the search is simple: stop worrying so much and have faith in yourself.

Messy Mothering

"There's a rainbow in the sky all the time, don't be blind"--Ziggy Marley

I have decided to blog about my dueling roles as a mother and a graduate student (formerly as full-time high school teacher and department head) working on a doctorate in education. I continue to deepen my understanding of teaching high school students, supervising high school teachers, and working in urban school systems. But with all this theory, pedagogy and experience I continue to struggle with my role as mother. While I was good at adapting to my students and meeting their needs (at least I think I was), I am constantly challenged by my own children. Some say it is because you are more invested, they reflect your flaws back to you, etc. These are all true, but it still does not solve my dilemma: how to accomplish the goal of completing a doctorate (and getting back into the work force) and being a great mom. So what do I mean by "great mom"...

There are so many ways to define a "great mom." One can find images and commentary everywhere. I have found myself working through all these influences to get to the heart of what I want a "great mom" to be for my kids. I have come to accept that this definition begins with who I am as an individual. My kids have exposed aspects of myself I do not like. I learn on a daily basis that you cannot hide from kids! I guess then a "great mom" is one who can admit her faults and model for her kids how to improve these faults. Unfortunately, one of my flaws is an inability to handle stress well. I tend to have freak outs or lack patience, which is often due to my dueling roles. So I find myself falling flat on my face and having to muster up the courage to admit, once again, that I am not perfect and show how I am going to be better. I suppose it is this state of being that I find exhausting. Maybe this is just a part of motherhood or at least for those of us who reflect upon and analyze our acts of mothering.

Motherhood for me has become a reflective practice.So a "great mom" is one who is reflective in a way to show her kids that we are not flawless; instead, we show that perfection is found in the messy process of accepting ourselves, in our relationships with each other, and our positive outlook on our life journey. A "great mom" is a messy mom. In other words, mothering is not a predictive and stable act. It is erratic, dynamic, awesome, and scary. A "great mom" understands this messy state of being. I love my children. I do not always love my actions, but I am trying to embrace the messiness of mothering.