Riding the Parenting Wave

Maybe I should have titled my blog Waves of Parenting because I am surely surfing these waves and recently have crashed hard. I have lost my board and am desperately treading water as I search for it. 

I have a 5 years old daughter and 3 years old son. My daughter has increased her rejection of me; at least that is how it feels. Right now this rejection feels catastrophic. My husband and I went away for a week, which was great for our relationship, but not great for my relationship with my daughter. I realized today that my absence exacerbated a growing problem: the lack of fun time with my daughter. She is in full-day kindergarten. She gets home and playtime is limited due to after school activities (which are just two days a week), homework, bath, early bed. You get the picture.  The knife in the heart is when she has the choice between me and the babysitter. She chooses the babysitter. I suppose I would too because time with her is more fun. I cannot say I have taken this choice well. In fact, I just spent about ten minutes in my office crying like a baby. I feel quite confused because I aimed to hire a babysitter that my kids would love. I have succeeded! Recently, my data collection for my dissertation forced me to travel a lot within January and then this trip with husband took us away for a week. This took me away from my daughter more than she is used to. I worked hard for her to be comfortable with my going away because I new such traveling would occur. I thought things were okay, but I was sorely wrong. 

My relationship with my daughter is broken and I want it repaired now. I know time and love will bring us back together (and maybe less time with the sitter), but it is hard to wait. I am angry at myself, but what else was I to do. I am trying to accomplish this goal of a doctorate while staying close to my kids. What I think I have done is physically stay close, but since kindergarten started and the schedule got more demanding I lost my playfulness. The surfing with the kids became burdensome rather than adventurous. I stopped laughing at our blips; instead, I became impatient. I became a manager of children rather a playful companion. I lost the balance between these extremes and my relationship with my children is jeopardized. My daughter has become less compliant, screams at her brother, ignores my requests, and is simply rude to me. Well, she is likely angry with me or feeling hurt by me.  My eyes are watering as I write this because I pride myself on having a clear parenting philosophy, which I couldn't even describe now if someone asked. It's as if I have forgotten everything I know.

So today I began a 6 session course, Siblings without Rivalry, provided by my son’s nursery school. For the most part my kids get along, but about 10% of the time they are arguing over toys.  Again, I learned how I have lost my way in my parenting journey. I know, give myself a break; everyone loses her way at some time or another. I am trying to forgive myself for my mistakes. One of my biggest mistakes is not genuinely listening to my daughter. She had given me so many signs that I was not being present or mindful when talking with her. Of course she is rejecting me. My moods are not consistent. My attempt to solve any issue with her and her brother just sounds like I am telling her what to do. I need to acknowledge her feelings. I need to acknowledge her desires to feel more in control of her life. Starting school, while she enjoys it, has taken a lot from her. I hadn't realized this.  I realized today that there are other moms who feel like this too. I knew this, but one has to hear it to feel it.

 I feel so wobbly on my surfboard these days. Where did my joy and confidence go? Some wave smacked it out of me and it is time to take it back one foot at a time, one wave at a time.

Music: The Great Stabilizer

My son, Edward, just loves to dance and sing. It has become my "go-to" for getting him out of his grumpy mood, which seems like every second of the day. Granted he has recently said good bye to
the pacifier and is now in a toddler bed. He constantly argues with me by making grunting noises instead of answering "yes" or "no" even though he is quite articulate. This list of power struggles goes on and on. I soon find myself frustrated and about to have an adult tantrum. I know the 3s are more terrible than the 2s, and he is asserting his independence while testing boundaries.  However, this does not change the fact that I feel helpless when it comes to interacting with my son.  This cute, sweet little boy cannot be pleased and does not want to cooperate. I continue to try everything in my parenting toolbox. And let me tell you, the toolbox is pretty filled.

This morning I had a realization. Edward is into Jake and the Neverland Pirates. With a DVD he received as a Christmas gift from Grammie came a 15 minute CD of songs from the show. He loved it. Like his Thomas the Train CD, he wanted to hear it over and over again. If I heard it one more time, I think I was going to turn into a mommy pirate, but I bet my kids would say I was already like that most mornings:). Well, this morning as I waited for the naked boy to choose to get dressed (I am trying the waiting method), I find another Jake CD on Itunes  Immediately, Edward stands in front of the TV b/c that seems to be his dancing spot, probably because of the iTunes visualizer, and starts jumping and groovin' like he is at a Phish concert. The song was "Rattle Ye Bones" and he started doing this movement with his arms out and elbows bent (see video below). I laughed and smiled. While it was only momentary, I saw the boy I adored. I remember a stranger commenting on Thalia, my older daughter, singing as a toddler. He said, " a singing child is a happy child." I am glad Edward finds joy in music and that we can find peace in our relationship through melodies. Although, he does not always want me to sing. I guess he has to assert himself somehow. I think when I feel like walking the blank, I will play music instead.

My new mantra is: Breathe and play music!"

Follow-Up: Had to turn off music to get Thalia to school. Edward went berserk! Note to self--don't play new CD ten minutes before leaving the house. My blind fold is on and I am at the end of the blank. Jump? Nah, laugh, dance and sing! If children can find joy in melodies, then I can find joy in the cacophony of  toddler-hood. "Arg, mateys! Play the music!"