Fine Line: Reflection vs Self-Criticism

A good friend of mine, who is an early childhood/education expert and whose opinion I regard highly, cautioned that I make sure to not confuse reflective parenting with self-critique. She has made an important point. How does one do this when there seems to be a fine line separating the two?

First, I wonder why there is a fine line. As most of my understanding about parenting comes from my work as a teacher, I once again turn to this knowledge for guidance. I think this fine line is due to the intense closeness or intimacy in the parent-child relationship. It is hard to be reflective without self-criticism. This is difficult for many teachers even though their relationships with students are not usually as close/intimate as the parent and child. Nonetheless, the literature reveals that students' performance and development affects teachers' identity on both a professional and personal level. As teachers, we care about our students on many levels and so we become concerned with our ability to support their well-being (academically, socially and emotionally). Many teachers struggle with balancing this fine line between reflective practice and self-criticism. Too often, this leads to a teacher leaving the profession. I continue to argue that supervisors/administrators must become more aware of the teachers who struggle with this balance; otherwise very competent teachers will continue to leave our profession. Many teachers' personal identity is intertwined with their profession. Well, parenting is no different. In fact, it takes this experience to the highest degree. And while some parents may give up this role, most do not and do not see leaving as an option. This makes support for parents a necessity, but too many of us feel alone battling our struggle between "doing good by our kids" and "hating ourselves for screwing up."

Recently, I visited a friend of mine who has two boys the same age as my two children. Her son who has recently turned four is still wearing a pull-up diaper during the day. Her child says he will be ready to use the toilet when he is five. She has done everything one could think of, but blames herself for "missing her window." She is in the unfortunate position of having to accept that she is in a power struggle with her son about using the toilet. All the advice she has received is to stop pushing the issue because he will come around. Of course this is easier said than done. All moms have experienced a power struggle with their child at some point in time. My friend, who cares deeply for her children, cannot find the line between reflecting on her experience in order to move forward and criticizing herself ("beating herself up"), which keeps her spinning in place. Her frustration affects her parenting. It affects how she views herself; it is virtually impossible to separate being a parent from the self.

I did not know what to say to her, so I just listened and watched as she portrayed an agony about this situation. She, as many of us, continues to realize she has to adapt to her child, especially when forcing the child to adapt to you has backfired. Now when one is able to engage in reflective parenting this act of adapting and finding productive ways to encourage/support your child's adaptation to you and the world becomes easier. NOT easy, but easier. Partly because you have found that balance, can be present in the situation, and do not feel guilty/bad for every action.

As suggested in my previous post, Messy Mothering, remaining in this state of balance is virtually impossible for me and for my friend. I suppose our neurotic nature may make this balance more difficult. Our teetering between reflection and self-criticism has likely been a struggle prior to having children. I know it has for me. So this relearning how to have a relationship with your child when both identities are tied so closely to each other's actions is complicated. How do we sing together so that our melodies make sense to us, are pleasant to our ears? As the adult, it becomes my moral responsibility to accept my child's tune and help her accept mine. Together we can create beautiful music. We do so often. It is these sounds that bring joy and the hope that tomorrow and beyond we are doing great by our children.

Maybe the search is simple: stop worrying so much and have faith in yourself.

Messy Mothering

"There's a rainbow in the sky all the time, don't be blind"--Ziggy Marley

I have decided to blog about my dueling roles as a mother and a graduate student (formerly as full-time high school teacher and department head) working on a doctorate in education. I continue to deepen my understanding of teaching high school students, supervising high school teachers, and working in urban school systems. But with all this theory, pedagogy and experience I continue to struggle with my role as mother. While I was good at adapting to my students and meeting their needs (at least I think I was), I am constantly challenged by my own children. Some say it is because you are more invested, they reflect your flaws back to you, etc. These are all true, but it still does not solve my dilemma: how to accomplish the goal of completing a doctorate (and getting back into the work force) and being a great mom. So what do I mean by "great mom"...

There are so many ways to define a "great mom." One can find images and commentary everywhere. I have found myself working through all these influences to get to the heart of what I want a "great mom" to be for my kids. I have come to accept that this definition begins with who I am as an individual. My kids have exposed aspects of myself I do not like. I learn on a daily basis that you cannot hide from kids! I guess then a "great mom" is one who can admit her faults and model for her kids how to improve these faults. Unfortunately, one of my flaws is an inability to handle stress well. I tend to have freak outs or lack patience, which is often due to my dueling roles. So I find myself falling flat on my face and having to muster up the courage to admit, once again, that I am not perfect and show how I am going to be better. I suppose it is this state of being that I find exhausting. Maybe this is just a part of motherhood or at least for those of us who reflect upon and analyze our acts of mothering.

Motherhood for me has become a reflective practice.So a "great mom" is one who is reflective in a way to show her kids that we are not flawless; instead, we show that perfection is found in the messy process of accepting ourselves, in our relationships with each other, and our positive outlook on our life journey. A "great mom" is a messy mom. In other words, mothering is not a predictive and stable act. It is erratic, dynamic, awesome, and scary. A "great mom" understands this messy state of being. I love my children. I do not always love my actions, but I am trying to embrace the messiness of mothering.