Maybe
I should have titled my blog Waves of Parenting because I am
surely surfing these waves and recently have crashed hard. I have lost my board and am desperately treading water as I search for it.
I
have a 5 years old daughter and 3 years old son. My daughter has increased her rejection of me; at least that is how it feels. Right now this
rejection feels catastrophic. My husband and I went away for a week, which
was great for our relationship, but not great for my relationship with my
daughter. I realized today that my absence exacerbated a growing problem: the
lack of fun time with my daughter. She is in full-day kindergarten. She gets
home and playtime is limited due to after school activities (which are just two
days a week), homework, bath, early bed. You get the picture. The knife in the heart is when she has the
choice between me and the babysitter. She chooses the babysitter. I suppose I
would too because time with her is more fun. I cannot say I have taken this choice
well. In fact, I just spent about ten minutes in my office crying like a baby.
I feel quite confused because I aimed to hire a babysitter that my kids would
love. I have succeeded! Recently, my data collection for my dissertation forced me to travel a lot within January and then
this trip with husband took us away for a week. This took me away from my daughter more than she is used to. I worked hard for her to be comfortable with my going away because I new such traveling would occur. I thought things were okay, but I was sorely wrong.
My relationship with my
daughter is broken and I want it repaired now. I know time and love will bring
us back together (and maybe less time with the sitter), but it is hard to wait.
I am angry at myself, but what else was I to do. I am trying to accomplish this
goal of a doctorate while staying close to my kids. What I think I have done is
physically stay close, but since kindergarten started and the schedule got more
demanding I lost my playfulness. The surfing with the kids became burdensome
rather than adventurous. I stopped laughing at our blips; instead, I became
impatient. I became a manager of children rather a playful companion. I lost
the balance between these extremes and my relationship with my children is jeopardized.
My daughter has become less compliant, screams at her brother, ignores my
requests, and is simply rude to me. Well, she is likely angry with me or
feeling hurt by me. My eyes are watering
as I write this because I pride myself on having a clear parenting philosophy,
which I couldn't even describe now if someone asked. It's as if I have forgotten everything I know.
So
today I began a 6 session course, Siblings
without Rivalry, provided by my son’s nursery school. For the most part my
kids get along, but about 10% of the time they are arguing over toys. Again, I learned how I have lost my way in my
parenting journey. I know, give myself a break; everyone loses her way at some
time or another. I am trying to forgive myself for my mistakes. One of my
biggest mistakes is not genuinely listening to my daughter. She had given me so
many signs that I was not being present or mindful when talking with her. Of
course she is rejecting me. My moods are not consistent. My attempt to solve
any issue with her and her brother just sounds like I am telling her what to
do. I need to acknowledge her feelings. I need to acknowledge her desires to
feel more in control of her life. Starting school, while she enjoys it, has
taken a lot from her. I hadn't realized this.
I realized today
that there are other moms who feel like this too. I knew this, but one has to
hear it to feel it.
I feel so wobbly on my surfboard these days.
Where did my joy and confidence go? Some wave smacked it out of me and it is
time to take it back one foot at a time, one wave at a time.
