Messy Mothering

"There's a rainbow in the sky all the time, don't be blind"--Ziggy Marley

I have decided to blog about my dueling roles as a mother and a graduate student (formerly as full-time high school teacher and department head) working on a doctorate in education. I continue to deepen my understanding of teaching high school students, supervising high school teachers, and working in urban school systems. But with all this theory, pedagogy and experience I continue to struggle with my role as mother. While I was good at adapting to my students and meeting their needs (at least I think I was), I am constantly challenged by my own children. Some say it is because you are more invested, they reflect your flaws back to you, etc. These are all true, but it still does not solve my dilemma: how to accomplish the goal of completing a doctorate (and getting back into the work force) and being a great mom. So what do I mean by "great mom"...

There are so many ways to define a "great mom." One can find images and commentary everywhere. I have found myself working through all these influences to get to the heart of what I want a "great mom" to be for my kids. I have come to accept that this definition begins with who I am as an individual. My kids have exposed aspects of myself I do not like. I learn on a daily basis that you cannot hide from kids! I guess then a "great mom" is one who can admit her faults and model for her kids how to improve these faults. Unfortunately, one of my flaws is an inability to handle stress well. I tend to have freak outs or lack patience, which is often due to my dueling roles. So I find myself falling flat on my face and having to muster up the courage to admit, once again, that I am not perfect and show how I am going to be better. I suppose it is this state of being that I find exhausting. Maybe this is just a part of motherhood or at least for those of us who reflect upon and analyze our acts of mothering.

Motherhood for me has become a reflective practice.So a "great mom" is one who is reflective in a way to show her kids that we are not flawless; instead, we show that perfection is found in the messy process of accepting ourselves, in our relationships with each other, and our positive outlook on our life journey. A "great mom" is a messy mom. In other words, mothering is not a predictive and stable act. It is erratic, dynamic, awesome, and scary. A "great mom" understands this messy state of being. I love my children. I do not always love my actions, but I am trying to embrace the messiness of mothering.